


Beside You (is where I’m meant to be)

by Kca1516



Series: Wintersoldier Steve [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes as Captain America, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Steve Rogers, Insecure Tony Stark, M/M, Nightmares, Protective Steve Rogers, Protective Tony Stark, Steve Rogers as the Winter Soldier, Steve is the soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 08:17:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13853706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kca1516/pseuds/Kca1516
Summary: Steve wakes from a a nightmare, holding a gun to his lover’s back.What he doesn’t realize is Tony has nightmares too, one’s he couldn't escape even if he tried.~~~~~~~~~~That summary sucked. So basically Steve has a nightmare, Tony has a nightmare. Tony’s nightmare helps Steve stop dwelling on his nightmare because he has to help his fella who is an absolute idiot most days.





	Beside You (is where I’m meant to be)

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if this sucks and there are spelling mistakes, I wrote it late last night and edited it late tonight.  
> Anyway i love the idea of Winter Soldier Steve and if anyone has any more winter soldier steve prompts COMMENT BELOW I WANT ALL THE PROMPTS (i might have some ideas for a second oneshot in this universe but shhhhhh)  
> Or of not just tell me what u think of this in the comments bc i honestly am not sure if it sucks of not lol
> 
> All the love

The man’s eyes snapped open faster then the crack of a gunshot. He was out of bed in mere seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~

The soldier’s hands, both flesh and metal, held the the rifle with a tenderness he showed to little else while he waited patiently. Waited for the perfect moment to strike.

He was on top of a roof, though he couldn't remember how he got there, scanning for his target. The soldier’s current mission was to take out a recently elected senator. He didn’t know why, he didn’t need to. This was his mission. This was all he was good for. 

The soldier focused back, once again, to seeking out his intended target. Scanning the landscape for any suspicious activity.  
The general area consisted of a red haired women sitting on a bench, smiling down at her newborn. To her left a few yards away, was a hotdog vendor, he had long dark hair tied in a bun. Between them crowds moved at a rapid pace trying to get where they had to go. He scanned each face that passed, within the second knowing they weren’t his mission. They were simply people passing by, oblivious to what was about to happen. It was pathetic.  
The soldier blinked hard, a sudden cold feeling dousing him. A moment of dejavu passed over him, making him think he had been in this situation before. Like it had already happened. Where was he again…?

The soldier shook his head, clearing himself of thoughts he knew would only bring him pain. He wasn't supposed to ask questions, he was supposed to follow orders.

A smirk tugged at the corners of the man’s mouth, he was about to do just that. 

The soldier had found his target. His eyes followed the senator like a hawk, vaguely noticing the man’s familiarity.  
He had dark brown hair styled to perfection with a pair of sunglasses covering his eyes. The soldier already knew they would be a warm, chocolate brown. The man’s suit fit him to the letter, and his teeth sparkled in the sunlight, even from so far away. Steve thought the word for him might be beautiful.

A bolt of fear made the soldier shudder, if anyone found out about these thoughts…  
He forced his mind to clear of everything but the mission at hand.

The target was almost in position. A few more yards and he would fall like a stone. His blood would stain the pavement as he lay dead on the ground. Steve had seen it happen before.

The soldier knew the senator, but it didn’t matter. 

All that mattered was the completion of his mission.

The soldier watched, transfixed, as the man grew closer and closer into position. His finger tightened on the trigger.

Tony Stark, his brain supplied the name of his target right as the bullet pierced his skull…

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“No,” Steve screamed, fear induced adrenaline coursing through his body.

The man gasped, feeling like he could breathe for the first time after drowning in the waters of his own head. Anxiety was clawing at his mind, trying to break him. He couldn’t let it consume him, he wouldn’t.  
Blinking his blue eyes desperately, Steve tried to will away the mental image of Tony’s lifeless body hitting the sidewalk. He was shaking head to toe with sweat pouring down his face. Where was he? He didn’t recognize his surroundings. For a moment he was back at Hydra, about to have his memories wiped. But, just as quick as it had come, the thought vanished.

Steve knew where he was.

He was in Stark Towers, in the bedroom he shared with his lover. The walls were plaster, not cave wall. There was a warm bed to sleep in, not a chair that would electrocute him over and over again. There was a warm body in that bed, one who for some reason adored Steve’s dysfunctional ass, not the unyielding presence of a guard. Steve was safe, Steve was home. 

Steve was pointing a loaded gun at Tony Stark’s back.

Bile rose in the super soldier’s throat as he dropped the weapon to the floor. He was lucky it didn’t shoot off at random as it clattered against the wood paneling. Steve stumbled farther away from the bed as he realized what he could have done. What he almost did. It would have been far too easy to wake from a nightmare only to walk into a living hell.

Steve hadn’t had such an intense, realistic night terror in six months. He had been making progress. Tony had been so proud.

Three months ago Tony and Steve took the next step in the super soldier’s recovery. Instead of locking up their weapons at night, they had decided to leave them lying around the bedroom.  
At first, Steve had protested. No matter how comfortable it made him to have a gun near by, it wasn’t worth it. Tony’s safety was Steve’s number one priority.  
But, his lover had insisted. It was a show of trust that Tony felt comfortable around Steve, around The Winter Soldier, that he didn’t mind there being weapons in the room. 

If only he could see where that almost got him. 

Guilt infested Steve’s mind. It was the emotion he had felt most often during his recovery. There were countless nights where his conscious kept sleep from ever finding him. Sometimes, Steve would be up for hours until Tony wrapped himself around his super soldier, finally putting to rest the thoughts that plagued his mind. 

Tony was Steve’s savior, always. Steve was Tony’s demise, always. 

He didn’t deserve the genius. He never had and he never would. 

Steve rubbed at his face. Everytime his eyes closed flashes of his victim’s lifeless bodies played like a broken record. He’d be damned if Tony joined them.  
Steve moved away from the bed, and his boyfriend. He felt so out of control, he couldn’t be around Tony like this. Steve thrust his hand out, reaching blindly for the door when he heard something that made him freeze in his tracks.

“No,” Tony whimpered from bed, kicking at the covers that cocooned him. 

Tony was waking up.

Steve wanted to bolt. He didn’t want Tony to see him this way. Like the disappointment he was. During the day, he could hide how he was feeling if he wasn’t ok. He didn’t know if he would be able to now. Steve didn’t want to be a burden anymore. 

It never escaped his notice when, the day after Tony stayed awake with him all night because he couldn’t sleep, there were dark circles under his eyes. It never escaped his notice when he couldn’t remember a memory Bucky was fond of and later could hear him crying because ‘Why hadn’t he done more’. That’s where they had it wrong. There was nothing more they could have done to help him.

He was broken beyond repair, and no matter how they tried, they would never be able to fix him.

Even after being together for a year, Steve was still convinced Tony was going to up and bolt one day. That one morning the brunette would wake up and realize he could do so much better than an ex-assassin who had to stop himself from killing Tony in the middle of the night. Steve wouldn’t begrudge him if he did.  
Don’t misunderstand, if Tony left it would break him until he was finally irreparable, no matter what Bucky said. Steve would rather die than lose Tony. But, if Steve wasn’t what Tony wanted anymore, the super soldier would gladly leave the country if it made the other happy.

“Please, no,” Tony cried from bed. Steve’s brow furrowed, and curiosity got the best of him. Instead of sprinting for the door, Steve started making his way closer to the bed. His enhanced hearing let him pick up on the way Tony’s heart rate was a little too elevated, his breathing a little too erratic. Steve felt a twinge of worry for his lover. He had been wrong, Tony wasn’t waking up.

“Tony?” Steve asked moving closer to the bed, the creaky floorboards silent as he slinked across them,”doll, can you hear me?”

Steve showed very little emotion to outsiders. He was quiet, and never exaggerated his feelings by any means. 

Except, when it came to Tony Stark. 

Steve melted for Tony. He went from being an intimidating super soldier to a lovesick fool in seconds. Bucky and Clint loved to tease him for it. Not long ago, Steve would have killed them both for so much as speaking to him. Now, his heart warmed at the little jabs, knowing that it was because they cared.  
Bucky had almost started crying once when he walked in on Steve and Tony cuddling on the couch. Steve had been whispering sweet nothings into Tony’s ear. Loving the way his fella squirmed and blushed at the attention. Except, all of Steve’s terms of endearment where from the forties. Hearing the bittersweet words fall from Steve’s lips made Bucky ache at what they had both lost.

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?” Steve asked again. His own problems that night completely slipping from his mind the second he thought Tony was in distress. 

The super soldier climbed partway into bed to catch a glimpse of his boyfriend’s face, needing to reassure himself with Tony’s features. What Steve saw made him ache, a thousand different emotions warring in his chest all at once.  
He almost missed the time when that phrase would have been lost on him, if only to save him from this heartbreak. 

Tony was fast asleep. Both of his hands were gripping at where the arc reactor used to sit in his chest. Where, now, there was only scar tissue. Tony’s face was scrunched up, and tears were silently sliding down his cheeks. He was having a nightmare.

Sometimes, Steve forgot the hardships Tony had faced in his life. Not because he didn’t think them important, but because Tony was such a good actor. 

Steve had read the files, hell, he had heard the stories from Tony himself. But, by the time the two met, the arc reactor was long gone, and Tony rarely ever talked about his past traumas. While Steve hid behind a blank face, an impenetrable mask, Tony had his own tricks up his sleeve. He hid behind humor, and arrogance, though the latter was making less and less of an appearance the more he became comfortable with the team.  
Tony knew how to hide what he was feeling, he had been conditioned to his entire life. It was rare times like these that the soldier saw how the horrors Tony faced had left a lasting impression, had left their scars. There were the visible scars, yes, but that’s not all that was there. The brutal marks Steve was talking about weren’t made on skin. These stains were left on the inside, and those were the ones hardest to get rid of. Steve would know.

Anger burned throughout the super soldier, he hated seeing Tony like this. He hated that he hadn’t been there to protect Tony when he needed him. Hated that even now, Steve didn’t know how to help him. This wasn’t a monster Steve could shoot down, this was Tony’s mind waging war against itself.  
For someone who suffered from nightmares and flashbacks, Steve was grossly unprepared when faced with someone else’s.

Steve reached his fleshed hand out to touch Tony, but pulled back, afraid of what that would do. If someone tried to touch him during a nightmare, the consequences were deadly. But, this was Tony. Even if he did get violent, Steve could hold him down. And, frankly, if Steve didn’t touch his lover soon he was going to freak out. He needed to feel Tony, alive, beneath him.  
He hesitated, but carefully reached his hand out once more.

“Tony,” Steve called, placing his hand softly on Tony’s arm.

The reaction was instant. Steve had made a mistake. 

No longer was Tony letting out quiet whimpers, but full blown screams. The sound was shrill and pained and it made Steve’s heart ache. He pulled his hand away immediately. Feeling himself start to panic. He didn’t know how to help, and he had just made it worse.  
Steve had half a mind to call Bucky, but thought better of it. Tony wouldn’t want anyone seeing him like this.  
Steve was his boyfriend. He could handle this, right? He could help, right? He would find a way to help Tony no matter what.

Steve’s moment of enlightenment was ripped out from under him when Tony started scratching at his chest.

“Please...stop it, please...get off me,” Tony screeched, clawing at the skin like he was trying to reach the bone inside. Steve pulled at his hair, fear ripping through him like paper.

“Wake up, Tony,” Steve pleaded, trying to be heard over his lover’s cries. He craved to reach out and touch, but had learned his lesson the first time.  
“Tony, please wake up.”

But, his words were lost to the smaller man’s howls.  
Tony’s sobbing wasn’t fading away. Instead, it was being made worse by the vicious wounds the brunette was digging into himself.  
Tony was lost to a place Steve could not follow him. Steve was Tony’s protector, he kept him safe always, and he was failing. He couldn’t just stand there and wait for Tony to wake up. If not for Tony’s sake, for his.  
Steve didn’t think he could force himself to keep still while he watched his lover writhing in pain. Steve wanted to hold Tony, wanted to surround him with his arms, but forced himself to hold back.

It would only make things worse, he told himself.

It would make Tony scream more, he insisted.

Don’t be selfish Rogers-

Screw it.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Stark,” Steve growled, honing his terror into something he could use.

What finally pushed the super soldier into action, was the blood. For someone who worked with tools all day, Tony’s nails were surprisingly long, and sharp.  
It wasn’t a deep cut Tony had etched into himself, but there was a scratch and Tony was bleeding. If Steve let him continue, Tony would wake up to new scars and red under his fingernails. Steve refused the idea of that outcome vehemently.

Bracing himself for the fallout, Steve crawled over Tony’s shaking form.

“I’m not going to hurt you, kotenok. I’m sorry.”

With that Steve pressed his hips against Tony’s own, pinning him down. Quickly, before Tony had time to react, the super soldier snatched the smaller man’s wrists and forced them over his head. Effectively immobilizing Tony’s arms. Then, being careful of the cuts along Tony’s chest, Steve pressed down until his torso was covering Tony’s own.

His lover’s scream echoed off the walls, piercing Steve’s heart. The super soldier clenched his eyes shut, hating how this reminded him far too much of one of his missions.  
Steve shivered, but inhaled deeply, refusing to lose himself to his memories. Tony needed him to be strong. He could do that.  
Steve burrowed his head in Tony’s shoulder, putting his mouth right next to the man’s ear. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Tony…” 

The super soldier repeated similar phrases over and over again as Tony tried to buck him off. Steve was so caught up in trying to keep the smaller man contained he didn’t even notice when Tony’s screams turned to whimpers. Or, how he had stopped trying to dislodge Steve and was now laying completely still.  
The super soldier only started to come out of his own head when Tony gasped and his eyes shot open. 

Steve froze, not knowing if he should move or not. Not knowing if his presence was welcome or if Tony was still caught up in the dream. The super soldier watched from the side of his eye as Tony frantically scanned the room, looking for danger before sighing in relief. Seeing that Tony was coherent, Steve forced himself to move. Tony needed to take deep breaths, and he wouldn’t accomplish that with a giant super soldier laying on top of him. But, as Steve started to shift, the man beneath him tensed.

“Don’t go...please.” 

Tony’s voice was hoarse and meek, like he was terrified Steve was going to bolt. It was completely different from how he was normally. Either he was loud mouthed and bossy, or moaning Steve’s name in pleasure. Steve had never heard him sound so...scared. 

“Steve,” Tony whimpered, before breaking down in tears. The super soldier was on him in an instant. He let go of Tony’s wrists in favor of of wrapping his arms around his crying lover. He held Tony close to his chest while the man shook with sobs. 

“I’m here, you’re safe. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again…” 

Steve whispered the same words Tony would whisper to him after a nightmare. They were a guarantee to bring Steve out of whatever toxic headspace he had found himself in. From anyone else, the super soldier would have found the words condescending. But, never from Tony. 

Steve hoped he could provide the same relief now. 

Steve kissed the top of his lover’s head. After about fifteen minutes Tony’s sobs turned to hiccups. In another five minutes the hiccups evened out to small hitches in his breath. Soon Tony’s eyes were closed, and he was completely lax against Steve.  
The super soldier took comfort in feeling every puff of air Tony released against the center of his bare chest. He counted each exhale until he was sure Tony was asleep. But, like with most things, the genius surprised him.

“Did I wake you,” Tony asked, his nose stuffy from crying.

“Yeah,” Steve replied truthfully, not seeing the point in lying. He was almost positive Tony’s nightmare had kickstarted his own, though Steve didn’t care in the slightest. He’d suffer through his own night terrors for the rest of his life if it meant he could be there for Tony when he was experiencing his own. 

Tony inhaled sharply.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered guilt evident in his tone. Steve couldn’t stand for that. He pulled away from Tony enough to see the other’s face illuminated by moonlight. Tony’s eyes were puffy from crying, and his nose and cheeks were a blotchy red. He was beautiful. Steve brought his metal hand up to brush away a stale tear. A small smile graced Tony’s features. It had taken a long time for Steve to feel comfortable touching people with his metal hand. Tony was so proud of him.

“Don’t you ever be sorry for having a nightmare. You tell me that all the time, and it sure as hell applies to you, too. Would you lie to me, Tony?”  
Steve asked, arching an eyebrow.

Tony sighed, “No, but-”  
Steve kissed him softly, feeling the light press of soft lips before pulling back.

“No buts.”

Tony smiled, it wasn’t big, but it was genuine which Steve liked even better. The super soldier felt his body release tension he didn’t realize he had been carrying, and he snuggled closer to Tony. The way their breath intermingled made a warm fuzzy feeling blossom in his chest.

“I scared you,” Tony determined, not missing the fear that still glinted in Steve’s eyes. There was a time when Steve never would have admitted to such an accusation, even now he had trouble articulating his feelings most of the time. Not with Tony. From the get go, Steve had answered any question Tony asked honestly.

“Yeah,” Tony waited while Steve gathered his thoughts, “I didn’t know how to help you, and it scared me. I tried to touch you and you screamed. You started clawing at your chest, Tony, and I had to pin you down to get you to stop. It felt like I was torturing you.” Steve cut off his rambling if only to stop the pained expression on Tony’s face.

“Tomorrow, I need you to tell me what to do the next time that happens.” Tony tensed against him.

“It will never happen again, I promise,” Tony pleaded with wide eyes. It seemed to strike Steve that this was not the first time Tony had had a nightmare this bad. How many times had Tony suffered through this without asking for help? How many times had he woken up the next morning pretending everything was fine, though flashes of a nightmare still plagued his mind? Steve had been inattentive to his boyfriend, and he never wanted to let that happen again. 

“When this happens again, Tony, I don’t care if I’m fast asleep. You wake me up. You always take care of me. Let me take care of you, too.”

Tears, once again, glistened in Tony’s eyes. The genius wiped furiously at the droplets, embarrassment heating his cheeks. It felt like his heart was splayed open for anyone to see. For Steve to see. Tony had never before fathomed that someone would want to take care of him, it was written clear across his face.

Steve swore he would find anyone who had hurt this man and murder them for it.

“You might bruise my ego otherwise,” Steve said giving Tony an out. Tomorrow, tomorrow they would talk more about this. For right now he wouldn’t plague his lover’s mind with anymore thoughts of nightmares.  
Tony chuckled wetly before sloppily kissing Steve, who didn't mind a bit.

“I love you,” Tony whispered.

“I love you too, doll,” Steve replied. Tony wiggled in his arms getting comfortable to go to sleep. Moving until his back was pressed against Steve’s front, and Steve’s metal arm was slung over Tony’s midsection. Steve held the man as close to him as possible.

The super soldier kissed the top of Tony’s head, wondering how in all hell he had gotten lucky enough to deserve this. Steve closed his eyes, ready for sleep to take him once more. But, Tony spoke up.

“The metal... of your arm. It helped. I always burn up during nightmares. Afghanistan, you know? The cool metal brought me out of it. Thank you.”

Steve smiled giddily against the back of Tony’s head, reaching down to kiss the nape of his neck.  
“There’s never a need to thank me for that, I’m yours completely.”

Steve fell back asleep, for once not fearing what the night would bring.


End file.
